MD Planning to skip my medical school's commencement/graduation ceremony. Change my mind

[deleted436726]

I'm an about-to-graduate MS4 who failed to match into EM this year and had to scramble into a transitional year. I skipped match day (duh) and I'm also leaning heavily towards skipping my school's upcoming commencement. I'm not a big fan of pomp and ceremony to begin with, but the thought of having to stand with people who matched into real residencies while I'm stuck doing some crappy fake residency makes me want to vomit, and the more I ruminate about going to graduation the more I feel myself spiraling back toward the pit of post-match week despair, anger, and depression that I only recently managed to get a grip on.

My parents want me to go but honestly I can't see any benefit of going. Firstly, it's not a graduation requirement. I've isolated myself since match week and haven't talked to any of my classmates since then, and I have no desire to go to a social event like graduation where I'd have to talk to people and answer questions about where I matched. I just want to stay home, chill, and watch TV or play video games and do whatever it takes to take my mind off the whole commencement thing. And finally, the idea of graduation seems like an extremely hollow victory when essentially, the last four years of my life have culminated in failure.

Change my mind. Tell me why it would be a good idea to go. Because right now, I can't think of any good reasons.

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[Her?]

Hey, if you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me. It sounds like you’re going through a pretty rough time. I understand why you feel how you do, but you’ve made it very far and that’s something to be proud of - even if you’re not where you hoped you’d be at this time.

 

[Bonejorno]

I don’t want to change your mind. Don’t go if you don’t want to. I’m not going because I don’t want to.

 

[mehc012]

Yeah, sounds like graduation is reasonably the least of your concerns right now. Is there anyone in your class who wouldn't mind chilling and playing video games or something low-key without making you talk about it? Just seems a shame to isolate yourself from people entirely, and a single person may be an easier step than a big ceremony.

 

[deleted480308]

If your parents would go, you should. Don’t take this from them

 

[wanderingorion]

It's the last time you'll see your class together before everyone splits up across the country. I think you'd regret it if you didn't go.

 

[Tenk]

I didn’t really want to go to mine because I wasn’t moving back home for residency and I was pissed but it was nice to see my friends together and I ended up remembering the event fondly. Many of my med school friends I haven’t seen since and will probably never see again. Better to end on a good note. Do whatever you want but if your parents want you to go, you probably should. They changed your poopy diapers and held you when you cried for years. You can give them one day in return...

 

[CyrusHabs7695]

Yeah man graduation & the white coat ceremonies aren't about you, in my opinion. They are for your parents/family

 

[AMEHigh]

If you don’t want to go, then don’t.
However, I didn’t match my first choice speciality, had to do an intern year and reapply to another speciality. I’m super happy now and complete residency in less than 2 months.

I know it sucks to not match, but I promise you it’s not the end of the world. You would likely benefit from hanging out with some friends instead of isolating yourself. My med school friends and family were still super happy and proud of me for completing medical school, you have nothing to be ashamed about.

 

[Newyawk]

As med students and physicians, the majority of us are so accustomed to success (at least in academics/our careers) that we have such a hard time facing failure or even setback. On top of that, we dont realize how difficult the challenges are and how significant our accomplishments can be. We set goals that a very small percentage of the population even has an opportunity to set, but meeting and even surpassing those goals gives us little sense of achievement and pleasure. On the contrary, we expect success. We only leave ourselves the possibility of disappointment if we dont meet our goals.

Think about how many students were premeds but didnt make it to applications. How many applied and didnt get in. How many settled for a different field? You not only jumped those hurdles, but now youre graduating from a medical school. In a few weeks you get to legitimately be referred to as a physician, a doctor.

Dont belittle this accomplishment. For yourself, yes, but also for your family. Take a few steps back and see it from their perspective. You made it. Be proud of yourself. Lifes too short to be upset enough about something to not celebrate graduating from medical school.

 

[takeurmeds02]

As med students and physicians, the majority of us are so accustomed to success (at least in academics/our careers) that we have such a hard time facing failure or even setback. On top of that, we dont realize how difficult the challenges are and how significant our accomplishments can be. We set goals that a very small percentage of the population even has an opportunity to set, but meeting and even surpassing those goals gives us little sense of achievement and pleasure. On the contrary, we expect success. We only leave ourselves the possibility of disappointment if we dont meet our goals.

Think about how many students were premeds but didnt make it to applications. How many applied and didnt get in. How many settled for a different field? You not only jumped those hurdles, but now youre graduating from a medical school. In a few weeks you get to legitimately be referred to as a physician, a doctor.

Dont belittle this accomplishment. For yourself, yes, but also for your family. Take a few steps back and see it from their perspective. You made it. Be proud of yourself. Lifes too short to be upset enough about something to not celebrate graduating from medical school.

Damn, this motivated me

 

[evilbooyaa]

At end of the day it's your decision. You don't have to go, especially if you don't plan to remain friends with your med school crew. Though I wanted to go, even if I hadn't, I would have gone for my parents (who certainly would want to go) given all of their support through the years. I'd talk to your parents about it (if you're close to them and care about their feelings in this regard).

Your parents may want you to go so that THEY can go and be proud of you. For me, if that was the case (even if I felt as you do now), I would go. If not for me, then for them.

The concept of you being a 'failure' is silly, IMO, and better refuted by @Newyawk above.

 

[deleted436726]

Think about how many students were premeds but didnt make it to applications. How many applied and didnt get in. How many settled for a different field? You not only jumped those hurdles, but now youre graduating from a medical school. In a few weeks you get to legitimately be referred to as a physician, a doctor.

Yes, but how is that relevant? I'm competing with the other members of my medical school class and only judged by the standards for that group of people, not anyone else. They get to be called doctor too but on top of that they matched. It might be a small group compared to all the pre-meds but that doesn't change the fact that relative to the vast majority of other medical students of my rank, I'm essentially a failure because I failed to match. And going to commencement will only draw attention to that fact.

 

[LebronManning]

Just man up and go. Not a failure of 4 years. You just didn't get what you want which sucks but you still accomplished something huge and will reap long term rewards. You still have an MD and will make more than 75% of the american public as a ****ing transitional year intern and then eventually match into some categorical program and in a decade will be making 250k minimum.

 

[Newyawk]

Yes, but how is that relevant? I'm competing with the other members of my medical school class and only judged by the standards for that group of people, not anyone else. They get to be called doctor too but on top of that they matched. It might be a small group compared to all the pre-meds but that doesn't change the fact that relative to the vast majority of other medical students of my rank, I'm essentially a failure because I failed to match. And going to commencement will only draw attention to that fact.

I want to be clear that I'm not arguing with you. you're obviously upset about this and I am just trying to make you realize that, while we would all be disappointed about not matching, you still accomplished a great deal throughout your life until this point. graduation might seem to you now like a cruel reminder of all of your classmates' success and you not matching, but I think it is in your best interest to look past that. for your parents sake but also for your own. life is way too short man. you're gonna miss this once in a lifetime experience because you weren't offered a job?

look, I have until march to face my own match, so I can't really speak to you from experience. the best people to give you advice on this are those who have been in your exact shoes. but honestly, I dont think that discredits my opinion. I think my opinion is credible precisely because I am an outsider looking in. I can see more of what you cant because I'm not distraught over not matching.

 

[mrbreakfast]

My parents want me to go but honestly I can't see any benefit of going.

This is probably enough of a reason in itself. They've rooted for you for years. Give them this.
I matched but not to one of my top choices (didn't share rank list, luckily) and was disappointed, but I acted happier than I was because there's no way I wanted to spread my disappointment to my friends/family who have supported me for years.

I've isolated myself since match week and haven't talked to any of my classmates since then, and I have no desire to go to a social event like graduation where I'd have to talk to people and answer questions about where I matched.

If you haven't already realized it, most people in a class know who had to SOAP. The grapevine gets into every crevice. But have you considered you may have friends who know you didn't match and didn't know how to broach it with you? Your med school classmates are still your classmates and will be happy for you just as well. This may be your last chance to see anyone in your class to whom you might want to say goodbye.

And finally, the idea of graduation seems like an extremely hollow victory when essentially, the last four years of my life have culminated in failure.

You probably won't think this a few years in the future when you're a practicing MD. Do you want to look back at your commencement and remember spending it alone in your apartment? It might not be a fun day now, but like it or not, it's a big day, and you can salvage something from it for the future.

 

[Booze Aldrin]

Still a few weeks from being an M4 but I don't plan on going to mine. Hopefully I'll be finished with rotations by April and once I am, it's sayonara biches! Going far away from this lame city and having adventures till it's time to start the Big Slog in July 2020. No way I'm going to interrupt my last few glorious weeks of freedom to fly back and participate in some dog and pony show.

TLDRL: don't go if you don't want to go.

 

[IMGASMD]

Family matters. Your parents will be there for you when everything else fails. (Sounds like you do have a family who cares). They sacrificed too, even if you don’t know it. It is the LAST time you will see some of your classmates. Technically, it will also be your LAST graduation for a Degree you worked so hard for.

I didn’t graduate with my original class. I didn’t match, scrambled, got a spot. I went to my graduation, with whole roomful of people that I didn’t know. No one will ask anything, they will be more involved with their own lives and family. You can always just say I will be at such and such hospital, then end the conversation there. There will be many more “embarrassing” moments in your life than this. Being called out in rounds or by patients. Being pimped until you want to dig a hole in the ground. Taking your oral board in front of your “peers.” None of those will actually be in front of a more supportive audience than the one you will be at graduation. These are truly the people who have held you up when you fell, literally and figuratively. For less than 12 hours, you can do something for them.

Typical 2019 response: you do you.

Edit: a word

 

[Perrotfish]

I'm an about-to-graduate MS4 who failed to match into EM this year and had to scramble into a transitional year. I skipped match day (duh) and I'm also leaning heavily towards skipping my school's upcoming commencement. I'm not a big fan of pomp and ceremony to begin with, but the thought of having to stand with people who matched into real residencies while I'm stuck doing some crappy fake residency makes me want to vomit, and the more I ruminate about going to graduation the more I feel myself spiraling back toward the pit of post-match week despair, anger, and depression that I only recently managed to get a grip on.

My parents want me to go but honestly I can't see any benefit of going. Firstly, it's not a graduation requirement. I've isolated myself since match week and haven't talked to any of my classmates since then, and I have no desire to go to a social event like graduation where I'd have to talk to people and answer questions about where I matched. I just want to stay home, chill, and watch TV or play video games and do whatever it takes to take my mind off the whole commencement thing. And finally, the idea of graduation seems like an extremely hollow victory when essentially, the last four years of my life have culminated in failure.

Change my mind. Tell me why it would be a good idea to go. Because right now, I can't think of any good reasons.

1) You are not a failure, and your four years did not culminate in failure. 'Failure' means that you're at an endpoint. You might have to deal with real failure one day, because that's also part of life, but you haven't failed at medicine. You had a serious setback but you are still very much in the game and will be applying to the match again next year. At a minimum, if you complete your intern year, you will be a licensed physician. Much more likely you are going to end up board certified, one year later than you planned, and will be a stronger physician because of the extra year of training.

2) Your internship isn't 'fake'. Its not what you wanted, but you are going to be a very real Intern. Transitional years save lives by doing their jobs correctly and they seriously harm patients when they do their jobs wrong. They are giving you life and death responsibility for very vulnerable people. This is likely going to be the most real thing you have ever done in your life and you should to get in the mental habit of taking it seriously.

3) Its really concerning that you have been isolating yourself since match week. A weekend of holing up and binging on video games is a normal response to a major setback, two months is troubling. You need to get a handle on this before 01 JULY. Not matching into a categorical residency is something that you can easily move past with a good attitude. Failing out of your transitional year because you can't focus, on the other hand, would be a much bigger hurdle to overcome. Are you seeing mental health yet? Are you sure that you're not going to feel this disabling depression and anger when you actually have to show up to work?

II think that you should go to graduation. You should go because graduating medical school is a huge success to be celebrated and I think you will later regret letting a setback overshadow your accomplishment. You should go because your family has supported you through this and you owe it to them if not yourself. But most of all you should go because it sounds like you need practice in making the best of a bad situation. You're about to be a physician, and part of that means showing up with a smile when things are going really, really badly for you personally. You will watch your attendings show up to work during messy divorces, during serious family health scares, and in the middle of brutal malpractice lawsuits. Its part of the job, you get through it and remind yourself that better days are ahead (and they are). So show up to graduation, congratulate your classmates, and practice looking like you're holding it together.

 

[Neopolymath]

My school requires it. You don’t go = you dont graduate

I wish I was kidding...

I think this is a common DO thing. Add it to the list of negatives.

 

[smukke]

I didn't want to go to mine, my parents did so I went (and even signed up my dad to hood me, if I have to sit through it so did he). Still ambivalent about it but my parents were very happy.

 

[raiderette]

Nobody gets through med school completely on their own. Your parents supported your dreams, probably for a very long time. This may be the last time you see your lab partners from anatomy, the people you met your first year, the friends you made. It is the end of a part of your life. Your next beginning isn't ideal, but why not close this chapter off properly?

 

[IMGASMD]

I didn't want to go to mine, my parents did so I went (and even signed up my dad to hood me, if I have to sit through it so did he). Still ambivalent about it but my parents were very happy.

You’re a good offspring. One of my mentor lost his parents shortly after entering residency. If he had a moment like the one you described. I am sure he would treasure it forever.

“Life”still happens when you’re a med student/resident/physician. The world doesn’t stop for anyone.

 

[VincentAdultman]

As someone who didn’t match, had to settle for a prelim spot and watched his buddies celebrate as they had more certain paths, I get it.

But there’s a decent chance you’ll regret not going 1, 5, or ten years from now. And failing that ffs do it for your parents.

 

[ciestar]

I am not going to debate it at all. However, I likely would feel exactly as you do. I would NOT want to go.
If your parents are heavily pushing it, you might just need to do it for them. I say this lightly as I didn't even invite my parents to my white coat ceremony, but, most people have more supportive families than I do. Your parents ARE proud of you at the end of the day. You did scramble into something, so you're not DOA. You're in a definite funk, but things will get better.

 

[MSTPlease]

I'm an about-to-graduate MS4 who failed to match into EM this year and had to scramble into a transitional year. I skipped match day (duh) and I'm also leaning heavily towards skipping my school's upcoming commencement. I'm not a big fan of pomp and ceremony to begin with, but the thought of having to stand with people who matched into real residencies while I'm stuck doing some crappy fake residency makes me want to vomit, and the more I ruminate about going to graduation the more I feel myself spiraling back toward the pit of post-match week despair, anger, and depression that I only recently managed to get a grip on.

My parents want me to go but honestly I can't see any benefit of going. Firstly, it's not a graduation requirement. I've isolated myself since match week and haven't talked to any of my classmates since then, and I have no desire to go to a social event like graduation where I'd have to talk to people and answer questions about where I matched. I just want to stay home, chill, and watch TV or play video games and do whatever it takes to take my mind off the whole commencement thing. And finally, the idea of graduation seems like an extremely hollow victory when essentially, the last four years of my life have culminated in failure.

Change my mind. Tell me why it would be a good idea to go. Because right now, I can't think of any good reasons.

Do they want to go and see you graduate and become a doctor? If so, do it for them. If not, stay home.

 

[Philosopher Jagger]

You are graduating medical school and will be a practicing physician in less than 4 months. Your parents are immensely, inconceivably proud of you no matter where you went to school or where you matched for residency. Go do this for them. If you're like most of us, they were always there for you as mental/emotional support through the slogging years of med school and when you didn't match EM.

As someone who has faced some setbacks in med school (not failures or going unmatched per se), I can tell you that having parents who care about me and who are always there no matter what the score is, what the set-back is, and no matter what happens, makes all the difference. Seeing their child going on to become a doctor means more to them than you'll ever understand.

 

[Horners]

Everyone has speed bumps on their road to being an attending. One day when you’re a successful medical director/senior partner/established physician, you can look back on your Med school graduation picture and remember all the fear in your mind hiding behind your smile and wonder “why was I ever worried?”

Go to the graduation, enjoy it, you earned it! And don’t be afraid of the questions “so where are you going next year?” Tell them, don’t hide it, own it. Don’t be afraid of anyone, if at this stage of the game anyone is judging you, they’re the terrible person, not you. Good luck