Quoted: feeling so hopeless

[All4MyDaughter]

This member is having trouble with a number of issues. She's been given information some sources of potential support. I'm hoping she can get some feedback on the other aspects of her situation, specifically residency and career. Not my area, though I am sympathetic.

I am so sorry to bother you all with this, but I desperately need help and don't know where to turn. I am a family medicine resident who started residency in July 2006. I failed a rotation in January, had some really bad marriage problems. Took the month of June off to try to fix things at home. Got a six month extension to my intern year. Took the boards and failed. Got a divorce which finalized two months ago. My ex has moved out of town and now I am a single mom to two kids, ages 1 and 2. My ITE exam put me at the 11th percentile for the nation, bottom of the curve. I'm supposed to finish my intern year at the end of January and all I want to do is quit. I hate my life and everything about it. I love my babies but am so exhausted I can hardly enjoy them. I would do anything just to quit it all, but I am on scholarship with NHSC and would have to pay back 3 times my scholarship (600K) if I don't go into primary care. I am totally stuck from every side. I've thought about transferring out of FM, but who would want to take someone with such a poor resume? I apparently have taken a wrong turn somewhere and have gone down the path of hell/purgatory and can't seem to find a way out. Please, please, any ideas? I don't feel like I can be honest with any of my attendings because I don't want to screw up any marginal chance at success I may have left. Thanks for your help.

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[AgieMD08]

This member is having trouble with a number of issues. She's been given information some sources of potential support. I'm hoping she can get some feedback on the other aspects of her situation, specifically residency and career. Not my area, though I am sympathetic.

This is a very tough situation. Do you (poster) have any family or friends near-by? Who is your support network? Are you a member of a church or synagogue? Is there a clergy person you could talk too about the issues you are facing? I think you definitely need to utilize the Employee Assistance Program at your hospital and get some professional input/counseling. If wouldn't be a good idea to default on your NHSC scholarship/service requirement, however, your mental health and family need to come first. Is there a way you could take additional time of for personal reflection and to seek assistance? You need to look at your life and circumstances and make a list of the pros/cons of staying in your residency and the impact doing so would have on your family and your sanity. You will be no good to your babies or your profession if your mental health isn't addressed. I am sorry that you are facing so much pain and uncertainty. Look at the resources around you and ask for help. I do hope everything works out for the best for you and your family.

 

[smq123]

This member is having trouble with a number of issues. She's been given information some sources of potential support. I'm hoping she can get some feedback on the other aspects of her situation, specifically residency and career. Not my area, though I am sympathetic.

Wow. I'm so sorry about all this. It seems like everything came crashing down on your head, and you just don't have the luxury of time to deal with it all.

Find somebody that you can be honest with. Maybe an attending in a different department; maybe even someone in a different university. But don't try to deal with these problems alone. In any case, don't let the fear that discussing your problems will impede any chances of success stop you from seeking help. Most seasoned doctors, I think, have seen enough and know enough to realize that being a doctor doesn't make you immune to life's rough spots. Your safety and happiness is paramount.

My second concern is with the NHSC scholarship. They have such strict rules about repayment obligations - I think you need to talk to someone from that office and figure out what your options are in terms of repayment, and how long you can defer that.

Good luck. No matter how bad it seems now, there is always a way to get out of any situation. I hope you find that way out sooner rather than later.

 

[theraball]

I wonder if your program director will let you take a leave of absence for six to twelve months, during which time you can perhaps work and spend some quality time with your children. Also draw on your other relatives and support group. Post divorce is a crappy time and you may need some time to build your emotional strength back up. Also you should ask NHSC what your options are in this situation. Good luck!

 

[Doodledog]

From the OP:

Thank you all for your replies! I am doing better today, I didn't mean to alarm everyone. I had just come off a 30 hour call when I wrote, and was especially exhausted and frustrated. I am still not doing well, but am better than yesterday. I made an appt with a psychologist this week... hopefully I can get better insight into all this. I think I have always expected myself to be superwoman, but I am learning, like was mentioned above, that I cannot always do everything (esp when the world is crashing down around me) and my mental health is of upmost importance at this point. I called my mom and asked her to come up this weekend to watch the girls. I think I will make the effort to ask others for help. Thank you all for your support and concern.