Marriage Problems, husband wants me to leave residency!!

[Hornet871]

Now that everybody's had their little moral diatribe one way or the other, can we now all just shut up about it?

Yes, Sessamoid, you are the moral authority in this matter. It is for you to decide when the discussion has gone on long enough and to tell others to "shut up".

When someone posts to a public forum, s/he is asking for it. By "asking for it" (I am making annoying air quotes with my hands), I mean inviting the opinions and advice of (semi-literate) others, right or wrong.

She asked, she received. (She has also the right to ask us to stop.)

---

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[edinOH]

Family should always come first. Period.

If there is something to salvage there, then by all means you should both work together to do it. This should be done through compromise and mutual understanding of each other's feelings on the issue. It will take maturity on everyone's part. Whether the compromise entails you leaving your current program for another or not will be left for the two of you to decide.

Residency programs are much easier to replace than husbands. It would be tragic for you both to realize a few years from now that you stupidly threw your relationship away over something that could be worked out.

While your residency feels like your life now, I'm hopeful your career won't be your life later. I would hate for you to throw your relationship away over a job.

 

[Sessamoid]

Yes, Sessamoid, you are the moral authority in this matter. It is for you to decide when the discussion has gone on long enough and to tell others to "shut up".

You're asking for it just as much by posting on here. I'm not proclaiming to be the moral authority on this matter, though some here seem quick to blame one party or the other. How can anybody here do that? Nobody here has more than the most superficial facts involved.

To those who suggested a marriage counselor, bravo. If there is a way for the relationship to be salvaged, that is the way. The rest of you added IMNSHO close to nothing to the discussion.

 

[canuck MD]

Im not sure if I can do this...or if I even want to.
He wants me to quit my intern year, which is bound by legal contract, and rematch next year..what a pain in the ass.
I was told that if I did this, my chances for getting into another good residency is very slim, and looks extremely BAD.
I love my residency, and I dont want to give up everything I have worked for. He should just stay and work things out, but this is his only way to work it out he said.

Any thoughts?

Perspective: In a 100 years, you'll both be dead (as will all of us). Do what YOU FEEL is right...right now. No regrets.

 

[Paws]

Family should always come first. Period.


Residency programs are much easier to replace than husbands. It would be tragic for you both to realize a few years from now that you stupidly threw your relationship away over something that could be worked out.

While your residency feels like your life now, I'm hopeful your career won't be your life later. I would hate for you to throw your relationship away over a job.

Well, I don't know about that .... I think there are alot of nice potential partners out there. I would say that relationships are easier to replace than good jobs.


[ok, I am getting out my firesuit, and preparing to get flamed! It's just my 0.02 opinion, no molotov cocktails, please!!! ]

 

[cooldreams]

Well, I don't know about that .... I think there are alot of nice potential partners out there. I would say that relationships are easier to replace than good jobs.


[ok, I am getting out my firesuit, and preparing to get flamed! It's just my 0.02 opinion, no molotov cocktails, please!!! ]

forget your husband... go get knocked up by that other guy and tell ur hubby he is about to be a dad.. haha....

well maybe that is too drastic. i think your husband wants to be the support for you instead of some other guy, so you should try to work that in with him. otherwsie life is gonna be tuff, because you two are in store for more of the same...

best idea in my book - DONT GET MARRIED... you dont have to worry about getting jealous - if ur latest fling becomes someone elses fling, drop him/her like a bad habit and move on... no worries...

the state of this country is such that getting married is very difficult to do... and is somewhat looked down upon, perhaps not blatantly, but subconsciously.....

 

[Pegasus]

WOW!! I was shocked to see all the posts, and I appreciate all the advice, from BOTH sides and all the PM's as well!!

I have not responded in a while because I have been back home trying to work things out.

I did try to give up my friendship with this guy, my husband gave me a few days to do that and saw how hard it was for me to do, but I realize that it was so hard for me because this other guy was there for me when I felt like my husband was not, and I felt that it would be like stabbing a friend in the back or using him when he was there for me as a friend, even before the feelings started. It was just so hard to do that to someone, so I tried to ease out of our 'friendship' although I knew in my heart that I could not turn my back on him. This all happend before my husband went home.

My husband has been home for 2 weeks now, I have been home for a week.
I had my eyes opened when I had to meet with him, and saw all the hurt that I had caused. I saw that he thought I was choosing my friendship over him, when my intention was to keep my friendship and my marriage. When I came back home and had to meet with his family and mine, it was a bunch of tears, I have caused so many people, including my husband so much pain, and that hurts more than anything.

After MUCH thought and talking to my family and friends, I have decided to go back to residency. This was not handed to me on a silver platter, I worked to pay myself through college (those who have been at SDN for a while know that story) and I have given my whole life to be a doctor, now that I am here, I have to give it up? His family made me realize how 'selfish' I guess I am being, but to come back here and work at Walmart with an MD after my name, missing the match this year, knowing that I may never get into another EM program, and if I do it will be a malignant one, and knowing that EVERYONE knows---all his family and friends in a small town, and the life I will have to live down here in shame and blame for the next 2 years is just too much and I will become bitter and the marriage would probably end anyway. Yes there were other problems, and by me leaving and coming back down here would just make it 1000 times worse.

I opened my heart to him the other day when I realized how much pain I caused him and after I talked to the preacher that married us. I told him how sorry I was, and told him that I would not give up my program but I would try my 100% to be the wife that he deserves, I would go back to residency, give up my friendship with this guy, not go out with all the other residents, go to marriage counseling, go back to church, and do everything that I could do, knowing that he would continue to check my emails, monitor my calls, and have no trust in me....even though I want us to start on a clean slate and for him to get rid of all the emails that we send back and forth.

The pain of him returning to that city causes him too much pain his family says (although he didnt tell me that, I belive it), but I say this happens all the time and people work though it. He gave me a chance to give up my friendship with the other guy weeks ago and I couldnt do it before because I felt like I would be stabbing a friend in the back but I was willing to do it if he was willing to come back with me.

He told me it was over and he never wanted to talk to me again. I still held on and tried one more time, but he told me to leave him alone. I guess I should accept that it is over, but I dont know if he is saying it out of anger or if he really means it??? I still really love him, but there are some major problems in our marriage that has to be worked out. I have not talked to him in 2 days and I leave back to residency tormorrow. My worry is that I will move on and he will show up after the pain has eased and try to work things out then, but by that time it may be too late.

Not sure where things will go from here, but I handed over our marriage certificate to his sister and mom today, gave him a book that says "God is in control" to help ease his pain. There is nothing more I can do.

Thanks again for all of your support, and even non support through this. Sometimes it really helps to vent and hear what others have to say who do not know you and are not biased.

Ill keep you updated.

 

[WilcoWorld]

Now that everybody's had their little moral diatribe one way or the other, can we now all just shut up about it?

If you would prefer to not read any more opinions on this matter simply stop clicking on the thread, problem solved, freedom of speech preserved.

Peg: You stirke me as the sort of person who holds herself responsible for the suffering of others regardless of your actual culpability with respect to that person's suffering. As altruistic as this viewpoint may seem, it is also rather ego-centric. Moreover, it is needlessly pathogenic. Clearly, you should feel responsible for the effects of your actions, but you should give some long, hard thought to the limits of the effects of your actions and realize that not everything everyone you care about feels is a result of you.

I hope that, however this situation plays out, you will find a peace within yourself.

 

[CambieMD]

Peg,

I would say that you and your husband have serious issues aside from the fact that you are a busy resident physician. You were a physician when you got married. It sounds to me like you and your husband are not ready for marriage. Your husband sounds angry and controling. Your marriage will not be any better off if you leave your residency. The guy will find something else to be pissed off about.

I have been a real pita over my wifes' work schedule. I would have left me back then. I had to grow up shut my mouth and try to be supportive.

Do not worry about the seven years that you guys were together before you got married. As you have seen being married is very different from dating. The expectations are different.

Get marriage counseling but don't leave your program. Doing that will probably make things worse. He will only want more concessinos.

He has to bring something to the table also. This id quid pro quo. The only love that is unconditional is Gods' love. In the mean time don't complicate things by getting pregnant. I am not trying to be uncooth. I have seen this happen before.

All the best,

CambieMD

 

[srlondon]

First off, sorry you're going through such a tough time. I would like to congratulate you on having the nerve to stick with your residency, which is tough enough when you aren't dealing with stormy weather at home.

Leaving residency would be a poor career choice at this point. In addition to you always resenting the fact that you left a program which you are at least fairly happy in solely to appease your husband, thinking down the line a bit, you would be leaving without a "good reason". Put yourself in the shoes of a prospective program director. Leaving to assume full time care of an ill parent, or for a personal illness is one thing. But this make you seem like (unfairly) who doesn't play well with others at work.

As a guy who has a similar relationship history (long dating before marriage early in residency), I can tell you that even though my marriage has weathered residency into my last year, there have been some sleepless nights and rough patches. Anybody who says otherwise (particularly a doc) is not only a liar, but a damned liar at that.

What bothers me most about your posts is that at the first sign of trouble in your marriage (and just _one_ of the ups and downs you'll have together should you stay married) your husband has made a hurried and irrational grab for the EJECT button. If this is all that it has taken to put your husband over the edge, how do you think that he would weather one of myraid other crises you might face together? A life-threatening illness in one or both of you? Illness in a parent? A child?

 

[Paws]

Hey Peg,

May I just say that I was thinking a friend who just completely dumped me after I started medical school. The way you describe your husband's behavior sounds alot like hers. Hmmm ... I know the difference in a friend and a husband is huge - but then again, it's not. Husbands should be friends.

My friend at the time was a stay at home mom, overweight and unhappy in a terribly unhappy marriage. Her husband was trying to leave her and to be honest, I can easily see why. She basically forced my hand and made it seem like I was the 'bad' one in the realtionship - and then she insisted on ending the relationship. But, she never acknowledged the fact of what I was doing (medicine, hard work etc!), and that she MIGHT be jealous or insecure about it. It was very painful but I learned alot from the loss of that relationship.



This is why I say: careers are more valuable than relationships. Some relationships should end if we have to choose between our own happiness and the person. Your new friend sounds pretty supportive ....

 

[CambieMD]

This is why I say: careers are more valuable than relationships.

I think that Peg should take a stab at marriage counseling and be prepared to move on if it doesn't work out. I do not think that the husband is ready for marriage. He sounds angry.

Relationships with the right people are more valuable than careers. I see people with great careers but no one to share their lives with . They are not happy.

Peg, you need to chill out for a while .Avoid serious relationships for a while. You need to regroup. Bad company is worse than no company.

CambieMD

 

[Eiko]

The problem came about by me, and I admit that to him:

He said I talked about my internship too much, became distant, uncaring, so I turned to a good friend in residency for support, who happens to be a guy. We both developed 'feelings' but never took it further. He wanted me to give up my friendship completely with this guy, but realized that the only way I wouldnt talk to him is to leave residency, given that we work together, conference, ect, so he says our marriage is in our hands and the only way to save it is to leave...which I dont think is a choice.

Peg,

I think I'm beginning to see where you and your husband are both coming from.
Lets take your perspective first: One, it sounds like you are excited about your residency and love it, so you come home to express this to your husband;
Two, you notice that he starts complaining about you talking about it so much which makes you upset;

Three, Seeking the understanding that you're not getting at home, you turn to a colleague. Also, you admire this colleague... he's a doctor just like you and you admire medicine... it's part of your life. Plus, this resident friend understands you and shows empathy to your experiences.

Four, you start to develop feelings for this other man, even though you haven't taken it anywhere, you still feel something for your friend that you have come to emotionally rely on for understanding.

Five, now your husband wants you to leave everything that you've worked for and you don't see how you can even get a new residency. So you're immensely frustrated that he's asking you to give up something you treasure.

Your husband's perspective: One, he feels when you talk about your residency that you don't see what he does as meaningful or even admire him for it;
Two, he starts to resent your talking about your residency, because of the fact that he thinks you don't admire him and probably deep down inside believes that you are putting your residency and self before him as superior;

Three, he sees you either talk about or hang out with or turn to this other guy for understanding and therefore gets put in the third-wheel place, when HE is your husband. So he has an impotent role of sitting back and watching you admire another man... and can do nothing about it, knowing that you are in "the residency" (which he already resents) with that man.

Four, he knows that you like/have some feelings for this man... believe me spouses know. He wants the relationship cut off. He's jealous. You're HIS woman, not that other man's and he wants you to verify that fact, by leaving the residency.

Five, he is beside himself not knowing what to do, probably feeling less than a man in your eyes and is jealous as all get out, because he loves you. He wants things the way they were, when He... not the residency, not this other man... was the apple of your eye.

Here's some advice, which you can take or leave. If you love your husband: Start admiring him for who he is and tell him that. Also, tell him that the residency was never first in your eyes, you just enjoy it and want to express how much you love it to him, because HE's the one you love.

End your relationship with the other man... sorry, I know he's a friend, but you're too close mentally to this guy... you need to be close mentally/emotionally to your husband. And if it takes leaving your residency: Consider this, who do you love more your husband, or this residency and this friend of yours. You can't be friends with this guy now, things have changed... and your husband will never trust you around this guy again... and tell me, how much can you honestly trust yourself around this guy?

Now, if you can't make these sacrifices for your marriage... which is totally up to you whether you think it is worth it or not... then divorce your husband.. because the situation as is, is not fair to him or you.

 

[toughlife]

and move on. Be practical.

 

[gimmedog]

Like others have said, don't blame yourself for your husband's suffering. We all have some control over our internal reactions to things. It sounds like he and his family have taken full advantage of your guilty conscience and are out to make you feel bad. How many mea culpas does he need from you?

My feeling is that this will be an everlasting grudge and you will never "make up for it" in his eyes. Don't you deserve to be in a better relationship than that? Don't ditch residency for a guy who has basically ditched you.

 

[Friendly]

To the OP: your husband's hurt comes primarily from the broken trust that you caused - and not the residency. The residency is just his way of rationalizing everything. The residency is not his issue. You being in close proximity to this other guy is.

It sounds like it's best that you stick out this year, and STAY AWAY from the guy you were developing feeling for - then do your residency elsewhere. I have to say that this is an issue I am VERY sensitive to, in spite of having never cheated or been cheated upon. I never spend prolonged time with a member of the opposite sex; my spouse is sufficient. When you are under stress, you WILL develop feelings for someone who appears to understand. This is natural and I feel that, while your husband was wrong to "meet" with your friends and tell all, you really should be prepared to weather through this distrust that you caused by developing an inappropriate relationship with another guy.

Think about your poor husband at home all might worrying about you and what you might be doing. You're married, you love him, and you will get through this if you both make the effort.

Lastly, God is in control. As Paul said, "He that began a good work in you will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Phillipians 1:6). I will pray for you, and you WILL both come out of this stronger than you went in. Just hang in there, weather the strom, and let your husband come back. You made this commitment to him before God and He alone can turn your husband's heart.

 

[Eiko]

To the OP: your husband's hurt comes primarily from the broken trust that you caused - and not the residency. The residency is just his way of rationalizing everything. The residency is not his issue. You being in close proximity to this other guy is.

It sounds like it's best that you stick out this year, and STAY AWAY from the guy you were developing feeling for - then do your residency elsewhere. I have to say that this is an issue I am VERY sensitive to, in spite of having never cheated or been cheated upon. I never spend prolonged time with a member of the opposite sex; my spouse is sufficient. When you are under stress, you WILL develop feelings for someone who appears to understand. This is natural and I feel that, while your husband was wrong to "meet" with your friends and tell all, you really should be prepared to weather through this distrust that you caused by developing an inappropriate relationship with another guy.

Think about your poor husband at home all might worrying about you and what you might be doing. You're married, you love him, and you will get through this if you both make the effort.

Lastly, God is in control. As Paul said, "He that began a good work in you will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Phillipians 1:6). I will pray for you, and you WILL both come out of this stronger than you went in. Just hang in there, weather the strom, and let your husband come back. You made this commitment to him before God and He alone can turn your husband's heart.

Great advice Friendly!

 

[vigils]

I feel your pain. I don't think there's many things more difficult then problems with a spouse, in residency or not. Your real problem is your indecision. You have two basic options, stay or go. The best advice I've read for this scenario is to ask yourself, what was the best time you remember together with that person. If it wasn't that great, go ... get a divorce while you can and get on with your life. Cut your losses while you can before you have kids and are really screwed. If it was great and you're willing to work on things, stay, you know you could work it out if you really wanted to.

Good luck!

 

[DocBrown]

Peg,

I think I'm beginning to see where you and your husband are both coming from.
Lets take your perspective first: One, it sounds like you are excited about your residency and love it, so you come home to express this to your husband;
Two, you notice that he starts complaining about you talking about it so much which makes you upset;

Three, Seeking the understanding that you're not getting at home, you turn to a colleague. Also, you admire this colleague... he's a doctor just like you and you admire medicine... it's part of your life. Plus, this resident friend understands you and shows empathy to your experiences.

Four, you start to develop feelings for this other man, even though you haven't taken it anywhere, you still feel something for your friend that you have come to emotionally rely on for understanding.

Five, now your husband wants you to leave everything that you've worked for and you don't see how you can even get a new residency. So you're immensely frustrated that he's asking you to give up something you treasure.

Your husband's perspective: One, he feels when you talk about your residency that you don't see what he does as meaningful or even admire him for it;
Two, he starts to resent your talking about your residency, because of the fact that he thinks you don't admire him and probably deep down inside believes that you are putting your residency and self before him as superior;

Three, he sees you either talk about or hang out with or turn to this other guy for understanding and therefore gets put in the third-wheel place, when HE is your husband. So he has an impotent role of sitting back and watching you admire another man... and can do nothing about it, knowing that you are in "the residency" (which he already resents) with that man.

Four, he knows that you like/have some feelings for this man... believe me spouses know. He wants the relationship cut off. He's jealous. You're HIS woman, not that other man's and he wants you to verify that fact, by leaving the residency.

Five, he is beside himself not knowing what to do, probably feeling less than a man in your eyes and is jealous as all get out, because he loves you. He wants things the way they were, when He... not the residency, not this other man... was the apple of your eye.

Here's some advice, which you can take or leave. If you love your husband: Start admiring him for who he is and tell him that. Also, tell him that the residency was never first in your eyes, you just enjoy it and want to express how much you love it to him, because HE's the one you love.

End your relationship with the other man... sorry, I know he's a friend, but you're too close mentally to this guy... you need to be close mentally/emotionally to your husband. And if it takes leaving your residency: Consider this, who do you love more your husband, or this residency and this friend of yours. You can't be friends with this guy now, things have changed... and your husband will never trust you around this guy again... and tell me, how much can you honestly trust yourself around this guy?

Now, if you can't make these sacrifices for your marriage... which is totally up to you whether you think it is worth it or not... then divorce your husband.. because the situation as is, is not fair to him or you.

Wow. That is the single most rational, well-thought out and logical approach to relationships that I've ever heard. I hope I end up with a woman who thinks like that.

whoever this is, you should be a psychiatrist or a counselor or something!

 

[Eiko]

Wow. That is the single most rational, well-thought out and logical approach to relationships that I've ever heard. I hope I end up with a woman who thinks like that.

whoever this is, you should be a psychiatrist or a counselor or something!

Thankyou. I appreciate that.

I'm actually finishing off my Masters in Psychology (one more class!!! Woohoo! ) and am in the application process to med school (got interviews!! and been considering Emergency Med... *please God let me dazzle them at the interview*).

Anyway, I hope that Peg can resolve things with her husband. It does seem like a large communication barrier to me. In addition, when a woman is as successful as she is (being a resident in medicine), her husband needs reassurance that he's just as successful in her eyes. She, on the other hand, is in love with medicine and wants to share that with him... its probably exciting to her, fascinating, and emotionally hard all at the same time.

Women bond by sharing and it doesn't matter the woman or her status in life; she'll have at least one major confidant... hopefully, it is her significant other or some other family member... (Just FYI, sharing = talking or some other form of emotional bonding)

In this case, Peg resorted to an outsider to share with... a colleague, whom I'm betting she's borderline-attracted to... partly because he's another doctor/resident... back to the "love of medicine" thing.

Her husband being immature...? Possible, but highly unlikely in this case... he's just being a husband that feels like he has been put in second place (or in this case third place: residency and other man) in her heart... and his actions are saying to her, "Hey! I'M your husband! Love and admire me! I love you, can't you see that?! And if you can't maybe we can get away from this and start over so you can see it!"

For him to have been so rash and angry/and or frustrated about the "residency", he probably had to have either seen looks of admiration in Peg's eyes for the other man or heard her praise her colleague in such a way that her husband feels threatened by him.

So just for the heck of it....

To all women out there: Men like admiration and admiration=love (more so, admiration for the "manly" things he does/is).

To all men out there: Women like to share/talk and sharing=love. Yes, men even the quietest ones talk.

But then again, this is just my opinion and you can take it or leave it... okay, wait, well half of it came from Psychology ... but still... it's up to whomever if they want to use this advice or not.

 

[erichaj]

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

sounds to me like you started the whole thing by having poor boundries.

You placed your marriage at risk by thinking that if you followed you "feelings" for this guy and possibly sleeping with him (I know it did not go that far) it would solve your problems with him.

People develop feelings for others all the time. That does not mean they go after it.

It sounds to me like you created the situation where your husband does not feel (feelings again) safe in this relationship with you.

HE DOES NOT NEED COUNSELING, BUT YOU DO. You need to find out why it is that you can't keep you boundries. Then take him into counseling and discuss this with him.

Only then will you be able to save your residency slot.

This all true only if you care. If you don't let go of the guy and let him get on with his life and you can do the same (feelings for the other guy) or another and another and another untill you run out of "feelings".

OR YOU CAN JUST GROW UP.

EH.

 

[erichaj]

what he is (the husband) is concerned about his wife developing feelings for some guy at work. He is not insecure, he is being realistic. She said it herself. she is becoming distant from her husband. that means she is not caring anymore. that means they are not communicating anymore. Jealousy is a human reaction when they feel threatened. He is the husband he has every right to be jealous. It means he cares about his wife.

Maybe the husband shoud tell the wife to grow up and not sleep around or put herself in a position where she can get too close to another man. She has boundry problems.

Wow. I don't suppose I'm really well qualified to give marriage advice, but if you want it my opinion is as follows:
1) with due respect, your husband is a dick (or behaving like one, at any rate).
2) it would appear that he is jealous. I suspect this may be due in part to feelings of inferiority: some men have problems dealing with a highly educated wife, especially if they do not possess similar educational achievement or career success.
3)don't discuss your marriage with his "family and friends". This is none of their business.
4) tell your husband that he needs to grow up and be a man. What he is saying is that he doesn't trust you working in the same place as another man. If that is true, the problem in the marriage is deeper and a change of internship is not going to solve that. What's he saying - if you change internships it will be all okay and he'll love you all over again? That's crazy. If his trust in the marriage is based on how many miles separate you from this colleague, it's in serious trouble.
5) marriage counselor.
6) if you do decide to leave internship, I hope you do it with one thing very clear in your mind: you will have a virtually impossible time getting back into a solid internship anywhere (although there's always ghetto programs around that will take you as long as you have a heartbeat), and that it is virtually certain that you will never get into a competitive specialty of any kind (ie. be aware that you are looking at family practice in podunk). If that is ok with you, go ahead. I'm certain you can take some time of for family problems, but not a year. You'll have to weigh the pros and cons.

 

[aura1202]

Brilliant response, Eiko. Just one more thing. His Needs, Her Needs. By William Harley. Short..easy read...exactly along these lines. Might help in thinking through things.

 

[mdkurt]

Thanks to all of you for your advice.

He has already left to go back to my home state, about 12 hours away...he has told all his family and all of our friends, and is now calling my friends to 'meet' with them (found this out from my best friend who called me first to tell me he wanted to talk to her). So, now I head back home next week for vacation and am terrified to talk to any of his family or friends for the fact that they will put all the blame on me (I guess that is fair) and everyone tells him I can leave residency and easily find another one, but I dont think it is that easy is it?

Unfortunately, he doesnt understand how the fact that he has spread the word about this situation makes it even harder for me now. I want to do the right thing, I do love him and we dated 7 years before we got married 5 months ago!!!!


What will be the consequences for leaving a great EM residency program, breaking the contract, ect...??

Thanks

I went through a similar situation--moved my wife and me away from home directly after marriage and right into internship. This left my new wife with no work, no husband, and no support network. She was very angry with me for not being able to give her my attention at home (sleeping), and I was angry with her for not giving me some time to decompress after call/work. She dragged me to a marriage counselor, and it worked. Do it. It might not work, but it's a good step to take prior to going straight to divorce.

 

[VienneseWaltz]

People develop feelings for others all the time. That does not mean they go after it.

This is exactly what happened to the OP. She developed feelings for someone and did not act on them.

This thread has turned so nasty! The OP never said she was blameless, but I don't see how a husband who pushed his wife away and then ran off when it caused a problem is blameless, either. Anyone who is actually in a committed relationship knows that problems are complicated and rarely one-sided.

HE DOES NOT NEED COUNSELING, BUT YOU DO.

You sound like my mother-in-law ("A family counselor is a great idea, son! I'm fine, but you need to be fixed!"). If a marriage is in trouble, BOTH partners need counseling.